100 great (and stupid) moments in football

100 great (and stupid) moments in football


As anyone who's half-inclined to bang out a lucrative highlights DVD will testify, the beautiful game is a chock-full of incredible moments of skill, painful blunders and hilarious gaffes. From Diego Maradona’s sublime combination of ingenuity and cheating, to Boris Johnson’s unusual interpretation of a tackle, our 100-per-cent-Hancock-free compilation encompass everything there is to love about a spherical piece of leather. We hope you enjoy it as much as Cristiano Ronaldo enjoys scoring. With prostitutes.



#1
England Win The World Cup


Forgive us for being all clichéd and sentimental, but the Three Lions have never been able to top the events of the events of July 30th, 1966. Decked out in away colours and using a ball heavier than Robinho's wallet, our boys battled with West Germany, and well, you know the rest...







#2
Japanese Binocular Soccer!

Our friends in Japan won't watch a TV show unless it involves aneurism-inducing colours, lots of confused shouting and an absolutely ridiculous premise. While we're watching Hollyoaks, they amuse themselves watching humiliated gentleman attempt to play sport with binoculars strapped to their faces.







#3
Boris Johnson Destroys A German 


Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, better known as that oft-blundering chap who hates bendy buses, is actually of German descent. Therefore, his over-zealous challenge during an England vs Germany charity game shouldn't be attributed to mild xenophobia, but sheer confusion - the dopey fellow obviously thinks he's playing a spot of rugger.






#4
Steve McClaren's Dutch Accent!


The Wally with the Brolly pulls off the classic Englishman abroad mistake of attempting to mimic the accent of the host country, in the hope that it will somehow increase understanding. As a result, 'Schteve' comes across as a hybrid of Ruud Gullit, Goldmember and a moustachioed pornstar looking to fix someone's fridge.






#5
Gregory Coupet Makes The Best Save Ever


Gordon Banks' save against Pele is the stuff of legend, but our vote for the greatest shot block ever goes to Lyon's Gregory Coupet. Not only does he deal with an awkward back pass with a ballsy diving header, but also manages an incredible reflex save straight after.





#6
Diego Forlan's Open Goal Miss


In a pre-season friendly tournament, Uruguayan striker Diego Forlan was presented with one of the easiest possible ways to get his name on the scoresheet. Can you believe it took him 27 games and eight months to get his first goal for Manchester Utd?






#7
Barrymore Impersonates John Barnes 


It's the day of the 1984 FA Cup final, and the country's favourite swimming pool owner is interviewed by Bob Wilson on the BBC. In blackface. Doing an incredibly racist Jamaican accent. They don't make light entertainment like this anymore.






#8
Thomas Wins The League For Arsenal


In 1989, the Gunners went to Anfield needing a win by two goals or more to steal the league title from under Liverpool's noses. The Kop was stunned into silence as Michael Thomas sealed a historic 2-0 Arsenal victory in injury time.






#9
Bird murder: shot on goal kills a pigeon


San Lorenzo’s Gastón Aguirre is a defender, so goal-scoring opportunities from open play are few and far between. The one time he did manage to squeeze off a shot, a flying rat just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.







#10
Roberto Carlos Scores Bendy Free Kick


In 1997, windows around the world were smashed in unison as men and children attempted to recreate the ridiculous outside-of-the-foot swerving free kick that Roberto Carlos put away against France. No one has been able to hit a dead ball quite like it since.






#11
Paul Gascoigne's Hotel Prank


Long before the Jackass boys were making a living from behaving like dicks on film, Gazza was wreaking havoc of his own. Sporting a large brace on his frequently injured knee, the legendary midfielder passes the time by soaking a sleeping friend, who turns out to be as angry as he is naked.






#12
Joe Kinnear's Legendary Sweary Rant


Never one to keep his aggressive nature bottled up, former Wimbledon gaffer Joe Kinnear was a little ticked off with the media when he signed up to be Newcastle's interim manager. Those who aren't used to the type of language that a rabid sailor would use should approach his press conference (and its 52 expletives) with caution.






#13
Reading Score A 'Phantom Goal' 


Conventionally, goals are awarded when the ball crosses the touchline and ends up in the net bit of the pitch. Assistant referee Nigel Bannister, however, took an unusual approach at Vicarage Road in 2008 when he awarded Reading a goal for an attempt that went at least two yards wide. Oops.




  The Ghost Goal Watford Linesman Referee - video powered by Metacafe



#14
Germany 1 En-ger-land 5


England fans have been tormented by underperformance, bureaucracy and over-sexed managers for years, so tanking Ze Germans in their own back yard remains one of the most satisfying moments in English sporting history.





#15
An angry bull wants to play football


In a survey conducted in the FHM office, 100 per cent of people said they would not have a kick about with a red ball in a bullfighting ring. Those coloured crash helmets won’t help when Bully comes for your gentleman’s lunchbox, chaps…






#16
Ref Orders Five Penalty Re-Takes!


Referee believes that players are encroaching on the penalty box, so he makes this poor chap retake his spot kick over and over again. If there was ever a football equivalent of the film Groundhog Day, then this is it






#17
Newcastle Fans "Boycoutt" Their Club


Furious at the powers at be for sacking King Kevin of Keegan, Newcastle fans made their feelings clear by unfurling a huge protest banner at the club. Unfortunately, chief banner maker didn't spend enough time studying the dictionary, and their 'boycoutt' fell flat.





#18
Defender gets nutmegged… by a corner flag!


Aside from belting in an own goal, few acts are more humiliating for a defender than getting nutmegged, so just imagine the horrific feeling when the ‘nutmegee’ is an inanimate object. Prepare to see this corner flag routine attempted (badly) at pub league games everywhere.






#19
Paul Whitehouse: The International Manager


If you thought Paul Whitehouse’s football parody talents began and ended with Ron Manager and Julio Geordio, then you were very wrong. His latest TV show may be a bit duff, but the diverse dressing room sketch is a diamond in the rough.






#20
Rene Higuita's Scorpion Kick


Colombian goalie Rene 'El Loco' Higuita has been imprisoned for kidnapping, banned for cocaine abuse and has somehow scored three times for his national team. Yet he is best known for dealing with Jamie Redknapp's wayward cross in a highly unusual manner.





#21
The World's Most Passionate Chelsea Fan 


When a team is in trouble, the sports news channels are always keen to roam the streets to gauge the feeling of loyal supporters. Sometimes they are treated to a well-informed opinion, and sometimes they receive the ramblings of a lunatic. This video probably falls into the latter category, yeah?





#22
Bullard Forgets How To Wear Pants


With only a couple of hours training, an Xbox and a phonebook full of unscrupulous models to fill their days, footballers can sometimes get a little bored. Still, that's absolutely no excuse for Jimmy Bullard to be pushed around in a laundry bin with pants on his head screaming "Yak! Yak!"






#23
Maradona's Cheating And Genius


Recreational drug fan Diego Maradona scored twice to send England home from Mexico in 1986. The first came as a result of the infamous 'Hand of God', and three minutes later the cheating bastard scored one of the greatest individual efforts of all time. Life, she is not fair.






#24
The Worst Own Goal Ever!


Hungarian Champs Debrecen found themselves 2-1 up in the second leg of a cup tie, but they had lost the first leg 2-1 to underdogs Fehervar. The latter simply needed to run the clock down to pull off a surprise victory, but instead they conceded a penalty and a ridiculous own goal. Well played, boys.






#25
Man Utd Somehow Win The Euopean Cup


Trailing by a goal for most of the game, things looked grim for the Red Devils when the 90 minute mark passed at the Nou Camp. Yet somehow, Bayern Munich managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by letting an old man and a baby-faced Norwegian score.





#26
The World's Best Liverpool Impressionist


Man in corner shop is our hero. Not only does he totally nail impressions of Rafa Benitez, Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Michael Owen and Peter Crouch, but his body language is frighteningly accurate too.





#27
Roberto Carlos Scores From The Corner Flag


The Brazilian wingback is best known for his legendary bendy free kick, but while playing for Real Madrid he also managed one of the greatest goals ever seen in open play. The modest fellow has since admitted it was meant to be a cross, but it's still bloody impressive.






#28
Serge Scores On Soccer AM


For Kasabian axeman Serge Pizzorno, landing a record contract, touring the world with Oasis, and playing Wembley Stadium will never match up to his achievement in a West London car park. Never has such skill been achieved in a pair of winkle pickers.






#29
Carlos Tevez Dances!


Argentinean wet dog look-alike Carlos Tevez's talents aren't limited to the football field: as this advert shows, he is also proficient at dancing, dressing 'street' and hair braiding. He must be centre of attention at the Man Utd Christmas party.





#30
Gazza Scores That Goal In Euro '96 


Before the heartbreaking Euro '96 semi-final penalty shoot-out, England fans were on a high as Paul Gascoigne helped send the Scots home with a majestic solo effort. It may have been a steady decline for Gazza since, but he should always be remembered for this phenomenal display of skill.





#31
Spurs Ballboy Hits Player In The Nads


Andy Warhol famously proclaimed that everyone would be famous for 15minutes, and this cheeky young lad is clearly using his moment in the sun productively: his ball-busting antics encouraged Tottenham to demolish Famagusta 6-1.





#32
Ryan Babel Becomes A Rap Superstar!


When he's not terrorising defenders, Ryan Babel enjoys rapping under the name 'Rio'. This track is in some nonsense language called 'Dutch', but translated gems include "I'm the Liverpool star those bitches are loving," and "Give me the f**king ball, you lose both legs." Charming.








#34
Terrible Goalie Injury! Oh, Wait...


People were dumbfounded when The Academy awarded Dame Judi Dench an Oscar for six minutes of screen time in Shakespeare in Love. If this keeper wants an acting award of such calibre, he's going to have to roll around for a little bit longer.





#35
Peter Crouch does karaoke


By all accounts, Peter Crouch is a thoroughly good bloke with a brilliant job and a girlfriend most people would cut off their left one just to spend five minutes with. Quite why he thought it appropriate to step up to the karaoke mic, however, is anyone's guess.




#36
Ref Gets Electrocuted


Would the modern game benefit from the introduction of more technology? Sure, decisions would be more accurate and fans would have less to grumble about, but it also means refs are more liable to getting electrocuted. More technology it is, then.





#37
An Unbelievable Penalty Rebound Miss


There's little shame in having a penalty saved (just ask John Terry, Gareth Southgate, David Batty, Stuart Pearce etc), but to miss a rebound from the edge of the six yard box is unforgivable, and much more difficult than scoring.





#38
Alan Partridge Previews USA 94


Now that John Motson has vowed to cease bumbling his way through international tournaments, it's time for some new talent to step up. FHM backs a young man named Alan Partridge (he's big in Norwich, apparently).






#39
Francesco Totti's Back Heel Penalty 


Not only has Francesco Totti boffed more outrageously beautiful women than Sven and Dean Gaffney combined, but he can also slot home trick penalties like this. If only England spent half as much time and effort practising spot kicks...





#40
Player Decks Ref After Yellow Card


A referee's job is a thankless task – only politicians, traffic wardens, and X Factor contestants have their abilities called into question on such a regular basis. This man in black is particularly unlucky, as he chose to award a raging lunatic a yellow card. God only knows what would have happened if it were red.






#41
Maldini's Son Tackles Clarence Seedorf


Milan needn't worry about having an aging side with talent like Daniel Maldini coming through the ranks. After making Clarence Seedorf look like a chump when just five years old, Paolo's son is set to represent the third generation of Maldinis in an AC shirt.






#42
Hartson Kicks Berkovic In The Face


Rotund Welshman John Hartson has a famously bad temper, and former team-mate Eyal Berkovic discovered this the hard way. Some petty training ground name calling escalated into a fight that saw the striker lose his temper and a huge chunk of his wages.






#43
The Iron Football Prank


In a bid to dramatically increase casualty waiting times, some prankster decided it would be best to disguise lumps of iron as irresistibly kickable spheres of leather. There's no crueller way of getting children to break their supple bones.






#44
David Beckham Playing For Preston


Long before the sarongs, pig-pleasuring assistants, and rubbish American soccerball teams, David Beckham was plying his trade at Deepdale. When the pub quizmaster asks the name of the other English team Goldenballs played for, you'll know the answer.






#45
The Backflip Penalty


It looks fake, but we've been assured that this backflip spot kick is the real deal. Of course, he flips after he has kicked the ball, making it relatively pointless, but it's a pretty neat party trick all the same.






#46
Physio Staff Experience 'Stretcher Malfunction' 


When they're not bemusing young children with their inane catchphrases and 1980s German cab driver grooming choices, the Chuckle Brothers love nothing better than helping out at major football games. This player in pain, however, probably doesn’t appreciate their slapstick routine.





#47
Rivaldo Gets Shot In The Face 


Well, technically the Brazilian legend wasn’t shot in the face, but when a Turkish defender passed him the ball to take a corner, he clutched his visage as if someone had opened fire. His play acting got the Turk sent off, but justice was served later when Rivaldo was fined 10,000 Swiss Francs.






#48
The Most Embarrassing Own Goal Ever?


Some of the most unfortunate own goals are the result of unwanted deflections, but this Bury defender has little excuse for deflecting the ball off of his own face. Perhaps football isn’t the game for you, Chris Brass.





#49
Ryan Giggs’ 1999 FA Cup Semi-Final Goal 


Arsenal’s defence could do nothing but run around like blue arsed flies when Ryan Giggs went on his famous mesmerising run. A great effort, but Frank Lampard should probably put the Welshman in touch with his chest waxer. It’s not the seventies, boyo.





#50
Exeter City on Question of Sport


Not only Exeter City’s fiercest brush with the mainstream, but also a fine example of the all too rare double-goal. In, out, and in again. Like the Hokey Cokey. Or something. Sue Barker loves it.






#51
West Brom Fan Cannot Beat The Drop 


If there is a more suitable allegory for West Brom’s top flight survival chances than this fan’s undignified attempt to survive climbing over a gate, then we have yet to see it. Boing Boing indeed.






#52
Ronaldinho's Mad Skills


We all know the buck-toothed Brazilian is as talented as he is sinfully ugly, but can he really strike the crossbar with such consistency and accuracy? Whether it’s a genuine display of talent or a cynical viral, we’re impressed.






#53
Goalkeeper Learns Valuable Lesson


This shot stopper felt like the mutts nuts after beating off competition from the rest of his side to take a penalty. But soon after the high of scoring, he felt the dizzying low of being made to look stupider than Kerry Katona.






#54
Fan Attacks Referee, Regrets It


A chorus of “you don’t know what you’re doing” wasn’t enough for this shirtless fan, so he chose to express his disdain for the referee with fisticuffs. When the tasty official defended himself with a flying drop kick, furious fan probably wished he stayed in his seat.





#55
Southend Utd’s Blue Belles cheerleader squad


Championship football fans savour the day they get to visit Roots Hall, home of Southend Utd. It’s not that they think they will get a result or that the burgers are remotely edible, but because the Blue Belles dance at every game. The only place you’ll find more underdressed Essex girls is Jermaine Defoe’s birthday party.







#56
Mexican Fist Fight 


When all other methods of reconciliation fail, nothing beats a good touchline fistfight to clear the air. If we learn anything from this video, it’s that football highlights are much more exciting when narrated by the guy from America’s Wildest Police Chases.






#59
Botched Acrobatic Throw-In 


Not being born with upper arms as thick as Vanessa Feltz, this footballer uses an interesting method of getting power behind his throw-in. Due to circumstances beyond his control, however, he doesn’t quite manage to achieve as much distance as he’d hoped.






#60
Good goal: The Coventry City ‘flick-up’ free kick


Footballers in the seventies may have left the gloves and pink boots to the ladyfolk, but they were still partial to a bit of fancy showboating. In a match against Everton, Coventry City’s Willie Carr famously flicked the ball up with his ankles for Ernie Hunt to smash home. The goal stood, but the move was outlawed at the end of the season.






#61
Jeff Stelling’s Middlesbrough Rant


“This isn’t a rant,” says Soccer Saturday presenter Jeff Stelling before launching into the mother of all rants aimed at Middlesbrough’s detractors. If you get a nosebleed every time you head further north than the Watford Gap, you’d best stay out of Jeff’s way





#62
Lucas Neill Obliterates A Bird!


Aussie defender Lucas Neill reputation as a bully wasn’t harmed in a recent international when he murdered a bird that had the audacity to land in the path of one of his pin-point passes.






#63
Rio Ferdinand displays his acting skills


Back in 1991, international stardom, failed drugs tests, rapping and merking meant very little to young Rio Ferdinand. All he cared about was hitting the high notes in his school production of Bugsy Malone. Bless.






#64
Fernando Torres gets outplayed by German Shepherd


Every defender who has tried in vain to stop Fernando Torres in his tracks should be ashamed – even a dog can do it. El Niño managed to stay uninjured long enough for Hank the German shepherd to make him look foolish, and the tricky mutt even rubbed it in the Spaniard’s face by wearing his preferred Stevie G strip.






#66
Gazza Sings Fog on the Tyne


The man who once casually ordered lunch in the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks has a famous sense of humour, and nothing showed he was up for a laugh more than his participation in Number 2 hit Fog on the Tyne.



#67
Juande Ramos trims his fingernails during a game


#68
Benjamin Massing vs Claudio Caniggia


Cameroon were so desperate to maintain a 1-0 lead against the mighty Argentina in World Cup 1990, that they resorted to the type of defending an NFL star would be proud of. Benjamin Massing clouts Claudio Caniggia so hard that he even loses a boot!


#70
The world’s trippiest football kit launch


When a club launches their kit, they normally ask four or five of their biggest stars to stand around in front of a camera and try not to look too bored. But that’s not how they used to roll in Germany – in the seventies they flogged their garish new strips by hiring dancers to attend a bizarre ultra-camp televised disco.


#71
Chinese Timewasting


At a young age, FHM was taught that cheaters never prosper, yet the message clearly didn’t get through to the Chinese women’s football team. At the end of this crucial tie with Korea, some outrageous methods are employed to ensure a corner kick never happens.


#72
Harry Redknapp Takes One On The Chin


A word of advice for players trying to break out of the reserves into a Premier League side: don’t fire a ball at your manager while he is giving an interview. It may seem like a hilarious prank, but you’ll find yourself on the transfer market quicker than you can say “Sorry ‘Arry”.




73
Player Tackles Pitch Invader, Gets Booked!


For his assistance in removing the extra man from the field, Spartak Moscow defender Radoslav Ková_ received a yellow card. Frankly, he was lucky: a tackle from behind with no attempt to play the ball should really be a straight red.


#74
Brazilians Get Violent


Our passionate South American friends love nothing better than the combination of football and pure unadulterated violence. Here, a troublesome female faces the wrath of the police, who decide to dish out a rather heavy-handed level of force.


75
Chris Iwelumo’s Unbelievable Miss 


 
Wolves striker Chris Iwelumo stepped off the bench to make his Scotland debut against Norway, and was instantly presented with the opportunity to become a hero. Instead, he blew it in spectacular style.


76
Andy Cole’s Rap Debut 


In 1999, undoubtedly convinced that the millennium bug would consume western civilisation, Andy (sorry, Andrew) Cole fulfilled a lifetime ambition of forging a rap career. His single Outstanding was ironically named, as it didn’t come close to bothering the UK Top 40.


77
Prancing Ref


After the success of their ‘Respect for Referees’ campaign, UEFA decided to start another called ‘Unnecessary Flamboyance for Referees’. Only one match official decided to take it to heart, and he has been prancing all over the world ever since.


78
The Paquador National Anthem


Much like Latveria, Krypton and Milton Keynes, Paquador is not a real place. Its non-existence, however, doesn’t stop it having a ridiculously long national anthem. Here’s a good reason why we don’t sing two of God Save the Queen’s three verses.


79
Benayoun's Coach-Flattening Slide


When Israel faced Latvia in a recent World Cup Qualifier, Liverpool’s Yossi Benayoun’s passion ran a little too high – when attempting a routine slide, he completely wiped out the Latvian gaffer. Protests were ignored, as he clearly played the ball.


81
The Anfield Rap 


In 1988, Liverpool’s Craig Johnston persuaded his predominantly non-Scouse team mates to produce a hip hop-tinged novelty FA Cup song. Although hilarious, it obviously didn’t motivate the team enough, as the giants of Europe somehow lost the final to minnows Wimbledon.



82
Diana Ross' Penalty


At the opening ceremony of USA 94, Diana Ross was charged with the taxing duty of kicking a ball into an empty net. Somehow, she missed. Best stick to the day job, love. 


84
Tore Andre Flo Dances with the Stars


Ex-Chelsea hitman Tore Andre Flo retired from the beautiful game in March 2008, but made a miraculous return a few months later. During his brief hiatus, the lanky striker displayed his complete lack of samba skills on Norway’s Strictly Come Dancing.



85
Greek star sent off for tackling a pitch invader


Unlike naked female pitch invaders, fully-clothed male pitch invaders are rubbish. Panathinaikos midfielder Adrián Bastía was suitably annoyed with a fan who interrupted play, and successfully stopped him in his tracks with a cheeky tackle. Rather than commend him, however, the ref sent him straight down the tunnel.



86
Spot The Scotsman


After securing promotion to the Premiership with an away victory at Wolves, Bradford midfielder Stuart got to celebrating the best way he knew how: getting steaming drunk. After a five-hour bender, he gracefully climbed onto a car…


89
China: The Worst Finishers Of All Time?


Despite having the biggest population on the planet, China have never quite cut it on the football field. This isn’t for lack of interest in the game, but because they couldn’t hit a cow’s backside with a banjo. 


#90
MLS Star Breaks Leg Celebrating Disallowed Goal


While playing against David Beckham FC, Real Salt Lake striker Fabián Espíndola scored and celebrated with one of his trademark backflip celebrations. All went well, except he broke his leg on landing and found out the goal was disallowed for offside. Sucks to be him. (0.30)



91
The Worst Dive Ever


Along with the Norwegian Cup medal he was awarded in 1994, Molde FK’s Knut Anders Fostervold should probably receive some sort of recognition for this dive. If there’s a finer example of an unsubtle fake injury, we’ve yet to see it.



92
The sneaky corner trick


Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs have been spotted pulling this deceptive little trick in the Premiership, and they may have got the idea from AS Roma. Opponents Milan were completely fooled by the legal manoeuvre, but unfortunately, so was the assistant referee, who ruled it out. Spoilsport.


93
The Worst Tackle Ever



If you thought Eric Cantona was the only one to successfully combine Kung Fu and football, then think again. This chap delivers a flying kick that wouldn’t look out of place in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film.


94
The Legend Of Darren Huckerby


The man from the ‘Norfolk team’ scored just five Championship goals in his last English season, which is apparently good cause for this enthused interviewer to use the term ‘legend’ three times in the first 25 seconds. Poor old Daz looks suitably embarrassed by it all.



95
Trevor Sinclair's Overhead Kick


Despite having hair like a member of early nineties rap duo Kriss Kross, QPR’s Trevor Sinclair could hit a ball with some flair. He won Match of the Day’s Goal of the Season award for this natty effort against Barnsley in 1997.



96
Indoor Footy's Greatest Ever Goal 


Undeterred by an opposition wearing a fetching all-pink strip, this long-maned fella nearly splits the net with a blistering overhead kick. It’s inside the area so technically shouldn’t be allowed, but let’s not take anything away from him.


97
David Bentley Loves His Mum


As a potential successor to David Beckham’s England throne, one would expect David Bentley to play it cool in front of the cameras. This would be asking far too much, as demonstrated by his impromptu appearance in a live Sky Sports News broadcast.


98
Cheerleader Gets One In The Face


Lesson for us: Try to watch more German football - they have cheerleaders. Lesson for her: Try to watch more German football - it can be very painful to not pay attention.


100
Van Basten Scores The Best Euro Final Goal Ever


As the tournament top scorer and the man who bagged the winner in a heated semi-final with Germany, Van Basten was the undisputed hero of Euro 88. His sensational winner in the final was the icing on the cake that had clog-wearing tulip lovers screaming his name from the top of their windmills.