12 Creatures You Hope Never Enter Your Hair Salon

Growing up without any brothers or sisters, I developed a strange and twisted imagination. As a result I become distracted by the weirdest things when watching movies. For example, in The Neverending Story, Atreyu’s horse Artex sinks into the swamps of sadness and dies. Meanwhile I’m sitting there thinking “Why the heck is he so sad? He’s a horse!” Then to top things off, Atreyu, who apparently just lost his “best friend,” isn’t sad enough to sink! Waddup with that? Which brings me to alien hair salons. I’m a big Star Trek fan and I always used to wonder: “Who cuts Spock’s hair? Apparently all Vulcans go to the same barber because they all have the same shiny, perfect bowl-cut with the needle-point sideburns. Which of course led me down the “well where does any alien or monster get their hair cut?” slope. If the world in which these creatures existed, really existed, then there would have to be stylists to cut their hair. It makes perfect sense! What’s that you say? Lay off the Redbull? Maybe I should, but until then, here are some creatures that would make any barber quit their job.

The Predator

 

It’s hard to imagine this guy sitting in the chair for four hours while getting his hair dreaded and his forehead whiskers clipped. My bet is he’d melt your face off in 9 seconds. Any takers?

Medusa



Good luck not turning into stone the instant she slithers into the salon, with her hideous image reflecting off every mirror in the joint. This would be a good time to paper bag yourself while kindly informing the train-wreck-of-a-gorgon-sister that sorry, you only cut hair. But if she’d like there’s a pet shop around the corner to feed her snakes.

Wolverine



When Logan walks into your salon and barks “Hey bub, I wantchya to part my hair like the Red Sea with Perfect Storm-sized waves on both sides,” you’d better do it. And while there’s not enough Dippity Doo on this planet to maintain his hair fins, you won’t have to worry about accidentally stabbing the scissors into his skull. He must save hundreds of dollars in Mach 3 blades!

Regan MacNeil



If you can get past the thrashing, the crucifix stabbing, and the projectile vomiting. If you can perform under pressure, with the Lord of the Underworld setting the room on fire while hurling insults at you, just think of how a 360° head rotation could make any hair stylist’s job a little easier.

Cousin Itt

The hair quantity to incomprehensible babble ratio makes Cousin Itt a horrible customer to deal with.

The Grinch



First of all, the fohawk went out of style when David Beckham left it back in England. Secondly, do you really want someone with a head full of spiders and a soul filled with garlic sitting next to your regular customers? You should not, would not Sam I Am.

Pinhead



If Pinhead ever walked into my salon, I wouldn’t so much be worried about cutting his hair, and he probably already has some netherworld carpenter to keep his pins even, but I would definitely be worried about having my face pulled apart by hooks and chains while albino dog monsters feast on my soul.

Klingons



I heard that Klingons get really pissed when you stare at their mangled web of forehead veins. Yeah, good luck not sneaking a peak while trimming those crazy eyebrows.

Ruby Rhod


Unless your salon specializes in defying the laws of physics, don’t even let this whiny prima donna in the door.

The following fall under the Highest Risk of Losing Limbs category.

Chewbacca

Imagine having to give this 8′ fuzz ball a trim and a shampoo? One wrong move and he’ll rip your arms out of their sockets. (insert every lame comedian’s impression of Chewbacca’s growl here) So how does Chewie maintain such a lustrous and shiny coat? Does he lick himself like a cat? Or are there wookiee groomers on Kashyyyk? Even more importantly, why does Chewie’s crossbow fire lasers? Makes no sense!

Critters



When there are more teeth than hairs to be cut, run.

Fizzgig


See Critters.

Gremlins



If you can trim the hawk without getting your arm bitten off, fantastic. But whatever you do for the love of God, don’t use water!