Superuseless Superpowers

Omnipresent Disorientation

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Be everywhere, but never know where you are.

Be thou herest, therest, and everywherest. Thine transcendental power approaches full-on divinity.

But wait. Where exactly are you? Is that a rice paddy in Miryang or are you front row and poncho-less at a Gallagher performance? Maybe you should sit down and get your bearings. But, uh-oh, is that a bidet or a whale's blowhole?
  

ShadowFlex

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: ShadowFlex
Bunny rabbits and birds. These are the normal human limits of shadow puppeteering. That is, unless you have ShadowFlex—the power to cast the shadow of a Bowflex home gym. Hairless, well-oiled pectorals not included. 
  


Walk through walls-ish

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Walk Through Walls-ish, aka The Studfinder
There are all kinds of walls. Brick ones. Stone ones. Berlin ones. This power vibrates your molecules allowing you to walk through walls, but only halfway. You never actually make it through the opposite side of the wall you entered. 

Trapped in a madman’s labyrinth?
See what brand of sheetrock he used.

Wake up hungover on Amontillado wine and enclosed in an Italian catacomb?
Admire the masonry work as you slowly suffocate.


1987 Man


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 1987 Man
With just a touch, 1987 Man turns any pair of jeans to acid wash. The 90’s were especially rough on our hero, forcing him to quit his job 
at the Gap. He now runs a Glamour Shots franchise along with fellow superheroes The Perminator and Shoulder Pad Girl.





Supervideo!




Destructo-Button

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Destructo-Button
Any button you touch becomes a self-destruct button (that only destroys itself). We recommend stocking up on cell phones, TV remotes...oh, and The Clapper.


TeleKinnearsis

SUPERUSELESS SUPEROWER: TeleKinnearsis
Pretty much everyone wishes they could move objects with their mind. Pretty much no one wishes that the only object they could move is actor Greg Kinnear.
  

Laser Pointer Vision*

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Laser Pointer Vision*
Your gaze isn't strong enough to burn through anything, just strong enough to point things out. Makes prolonged eye contact particularly awkward and painful during romantic dinners and job interviews. 


 Healing Punch


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Healing Punch
Float like a butterfly and sting like the bedside manner of Mother Teresa. As a superhero, sometimes you have to resort to violence. Too bad your ferocious fists instantly heal the damage you inflict. Whereas most punches would deliver a crushing Ivan Drago-like knockout. Yours leave your opponent feeling amazingly refreshed and rejuvenated. At least until he counters with an uppercut to your esophagus.  
  

Brow-Wow

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Brow-Wow
The power to grow one's uni-brow at twice the normal human speed. Whereas mere mortals have to groom their brow on a weekly basis, those with this uncanny ability have the pleasure of grooming, uh? twice a week? 
  

Mamavision, a.k.a. PreMOMnition


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: PreMOMnition
The power to see what your mother is doing at all times. PreMOMnition cannot be turned off and operates similar to picture-in-picture technology, so your mom is ALWAYS in your field of vision. Oh, and good luck trying to get laid. Even viagra can’t combat real-time images of your mom waxing your father’s back.


No-Go-liath



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: NO-GOliath
Superhuman size. Totally human feet. Upon engaging the No-Go-liath power, the upper 95% of our superhero swells to impressive size. Shortly thereafter, he topples like Nick Nolte at an open-bar charity ball. Does anyone have a XXXXXL Hoveround?


Lati-dude & Longi-dude


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lati-dude & Longi-dude.
Ever wish you could conjure up a duplicate of yourself? This power is exactly that. Only your doppeluseless appears at the opposite point of the earth. Bad if you need backup in a dark alley…great if you’re organizing the American comeback tour for “Men at Work.”


8-Ray Vision




SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: 8-ray vision.
Go from 20/20 to 20/plenty with this seemingly amazing gift of sight. But here's the catch. Your see-throughiness is infinite and not at your discretion. 

So, perhaps you are seeking out survivors in a collapsed mineshaft. Scanning through the wreckage with your 8-ray eyes, you see through the rock pile. Then through the coal. The trapped miner's clothes. His skin. His capillaries. His kidney. His bones. Back through his skin. Dirt. The upper mantle. Magma. The lower mantle. The outer core. The inner core. Again the outer core. The lower and upper mantles. Fossilized raptor dung. More dirt. A rice paddy in Miryang. A cumulus cloud. The Ozone layer. The Stratosphere. The Exosphere. Outer Space. A meteorite. The Orion Nebula. The Twin Quasar. Et cetera. 

In short, by seeing through everything you will essentially never see anything.


Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz's)


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Superhuman strength whilst sleeping. 
After awaking from an especially violent dream, the "Slumberjack" finds his bedroom, house and entire zipcode in utter shambles. At least it's a good excuse to forgo post-coital snuggling.


13th Bullet Bulletproof
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.


In-flight flight
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight. 
Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this so-called power lets you fly, but only within the confines of an airplane. At least you can leapfrog the beverage cart when explosive diarrhea strikes at 30,000 feet.


Complementary Chameleon

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Complementary Chameleon
The superuseless chameleon assumes the complementary color of his surroundings, thereby rendering him highly un-hard to see. This superpower was inspiration for the failed children’s book franchise titled “There’s Waldo.”



Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)
SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)
This superuseless superhero foresees the future while instantly forgetting anything he has just foreseen. Known in some circles as Untotal Recall.


Achieving 99% Opacity


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Achieving 99% opacity, a.k.a. The Slightly Invisible Man.
This throwaway power lets you vanish into thin air as long as that thin air is obscured by enough thick air to cover up the other 99% of your completely visible body. Sorry, no dice on landing that plum invisibility role in the sequel to Ghost Dad either.


Ultra Short-range Teleportation



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation.
This unamazing power lets you teleport up to one inch away. When done in rapid succession, it gives that old-timey stop action feel. It can also really push your "popping & locking" routine to the next level.


Left-side Levitation

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Left-side levitation or "Left-itation".
With this amazingly useless power, only half of you can levitate. Which means the other half acts as an anchor. As an added un-bonus, cabs are constantly stopping for you whenever you engage your powers on the street. And as we all know, being yelled at by angry cabbies eventually leads to depression. And emo.


Turning into a brick wall. Forever.


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Turning into a brick wall. Forever
The power to transform into a brick wall is truly awesome. Except when you can only do it once and can’t ever change back. And while Larry’s powers did momentarily save his village from the barbarians...they came back later with a ladder.


Lukewarm Touch


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lukewarm Touch. 
An estranged 3rd cousin of the Midas Touch, the Lukewarm Touch allows its hero to touch any temperature liquid and turn it to room temperature. Perhaps somewhat useful if captured by cannabalistic pygmies.


Helium Resistance

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Resistance to helium.
Legend has it that there walks a man with uncanny abilities. After a tragic blimp accident, this man has developed an immunity to Helium. As this man courageously inhales Helium, there is no effect on the timbre of his voice.